Life Is So Unnerving for a Servant Who’s Not Serving

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Imagine the worst cramps that you’ve experienced or heard of. Then imagine them most of the day, every day. That’s how I’m feeling. Processing pain takes energy and makes it difficult to concentrate on other things. Sometimes walking exacerbates my pain – Orgasms almost always do. My life is limited when I’m in pain. Sometimes it feels like endometriosis wants me to put my life on pause.

I’ve been sad since my endo pain returned. After my surgery in May, I thought my life would get back on track, but about six weeks ago, my pain started flaring up again. Things were going well; I was finally pretty active with my blog, starting to socialize again. It’s easy to personify my endometriosis and say that it’s shitting on my all plans. But endometriosis is just my uterus fucking up. I have to adapt to that. There’s no malice here. I didn’t do anything wrong. It’s reasonable to wish that things weren’t the way they are; I think it’s very reasonable to want not to hurt. But my life goes on. In the words of the reimagined Alexander Hamilton, “I’m not throwing away my shot.”

Some days, I’m bedbound by my pain. It’s was difficult to get up into my desk chair to work on art and write. I have a small Chromebook, but hunching over it in bed was hurting my back and neck. So my husband, Miss Vanessa, and I are creating another setup. I bought an overbed desk and a wireless keyboard, and a displayport to HDMI cable. Now I can sit on the bed with my back against the padded headboard, and use the TV as a monitor. My husband also used his budget to buy me a graphics tablet with a screen, so I can use that for art as well as a second monitor. I’ve wanted a graphic tablet with a display since I had my first tablet at 13, so this is a dream come true.

I also created a tiered to-do list based on what I’m capable of on a given day. Can’t sit up in bed or stay awake? Totally fine, just do the bare minimum. You can see my tiered to-do list here.

Yes, I’m a perpetually tired servant. I’m a servant who is serving by caring for himself. What keeps me going in serving in the small ways I can; “Can you order this from Amazon for me?”, “Can you research local dog trainers?”, “Can you create a letterhead for me?” The woman I serve, Miss Vanessa, has done a fantastic job adapting to my pain, as has my husband. Of course, I’m my own worst bully. However, I believe that my new desk set up and their to-do list will be extremely helpful in maintaining purpose.

As the song “Be Our Guest” proclaims “Life is so unnerving for a servant who’s not serving.” But I am serving – just in a different way than before.

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