Every relationship, whether or not it has a power exchange element, is transactional in some sense. When I serve, I desire to feel appreciated, useful, and competent. I want to feel controlled – that my actions count for something more than busyness. Instead, I aspire to serve a great purpose. I crave the feeling that I am meaningfully contributing to a clear goal, even if that goal is making someone feel good, taking a weight off their back, and providing ease.
I am a tool, a servant, and a devotee. I offer all that I have – All of my skills, my material assets, my social connections, my body, and everything. Some people use the term training to refer to fetishized versions of boot camp or historic slave training, but I train to increase what I offer. I train to better serve a higher purpose.
Throughout my life, I have dabbled with several religions. The mythos that most encapsulates my ideals is the modern worship of the ancient Greek Gods, called Hellenismos by some practitioners. Do I believe that the Gods exist? Perhaps. I’ve felt the pull of spirituality the most when reading the legends and lore. Nonetheless, the powerful imagery and rituals of Hellenismos call to me and connect most clearly with my self-concept.
I relate my slavehood to imagery religious devotion. Ideally, I surrender what I have to the temple and add value however I can. Every element of the structure in my life comes from the temple. People around me share my values and work towards the same goals. I’ve thought of my work at something I can offer up to a Master. I imagine myself on my knees, eyes cast downward, hands offering up the metaphorical sum of all I’ve done. This blog, my freelancing, and all the skills I’ve learned on other projects. Now that I have taken up fitness, I improve what my body can offer. All of that I surrender to the temple.
What is slavery? Why am I drawn to it? I know that in another life, I might be successful as a monk or a soldier. Devotee is the word and role that goes around in my head.
For years in community college, I had a mentor who was a professor of English Literature. I was inspired to walk in his footsteps and become the next version of him. I remember moments when he looked at me, astonished with my intelligence, and more importantly, my ability to learn and integrate concepts with existing information. For my time in community college, he pushed me to be involved in the Student Government Association and other campus activities. My purpose was to make my mentor proud. While there was no sexual or kinky aspect to our relationship, I was serving this professor and our shared values. We wanted to see more achievement on campus, more involvement in academic conferences, and more volunteerism. Our goals were deepy aligned.
When I moved to Orlando to attend the University of Central Florida, my perspective changed drastically. Rather than being the big man on campus who knew every professor and most students by name, I was attending a college that had more students that my hometown had residents. I was quickly lost in the sea of people, and without the shared mission that my mentor provided me, my passion for academia waned. I still believe if I could have somehow brought him with me, I would be a graduate program of Cultural Studies or something to that effect at this point in my life.
I’d lost my purpose. My guiding light, my north star had been making my mentor proud, and when I wasn’t close to my mentor anymore, I didn’t have that. Years went by. I tried and failed to find a purpose, ideally a career that could make money. Every new project I started, I came closer to kink.
In 2018, I became a Pro Domme focusing on ageplay. As Nanny Grace, I had a nursery with adorable stuffed animals and pastel decor. I also had an extremely feminine persona. This, combined with the emotionally exhausting caregiving, made being Nanny Grace a huge drain on my mental health. When I broke down, I knew that I needed something I didn’t have.
My husband became my “service” Dom. Being a very submissive person himself, he didn’t personally derive joy from the role, but he saw that it made me happy and productive again. We began to talk about M/s, and I discovered MTTA. My MTTA journey is a story for another time, but ultimately, I felt affirmed that I am a slave. Consensual servitude gives me purpose, structure, and a feeling of accomplishment.
I know that I am made to bring pleasure. While sexuality is an aspect of pleasure, that view is limited. Companionship, kinky play, physical intimacy, and body service all bring immediate pleasure. Having a curiosity satisfied or a project completed with limited effort on the Master’s part is a delayed pleasure, but a pleasure nonetheless. This also may vary from person to person, as luxury may bring pleasure to one Master, while the same may be viewed as an unnecessary complication by another.
I want to concentrate on my slave skills which are more emotional than practical. I aim to improve my emotional regulation so that I can better listen before I speak. I aim to improve my humbleness so that I may more easily acquiesce when my preference isn’t as important as I think it is. I aim to identify my needs and wants, and the difference between the two. I want to offer the best version of myself.
All I’ve ever wanted is something to be devoted to: An ideal vision of myself and the world around me to aspire to. I see myself teaching, sharing my experience, expanding my skills, and offering that at the fount of the Gods. By devoting myself to serve one person, I serve the Gods as well. I yearn to be able to devote myself the way a monk devotes himself to his God and his works.