On Secrecy

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At MsC, I played with someone. I was casually topping; We kissed, and there also was some biting, manhandling, and tickling. It had been a long time since I had topped anyone, and I’d convinced myself that those desires were behind me. “I am 100% a slave with a simple, one-word identity.” That identity crisis combined with the intense top drop caused an emotional conflict about my identity. I reached out to several new friends at MsC about my situation. Some had seen me with this person and made the connection, but others didn’t know their name at all. I also attended a timely class about having multiple roles or identities in the kinky lifestyle. I spoke about my experience with top drop and my identity crisis; My play with this person was merely the inciting incident. However, I was later accused of gossiping.

The fact of the matter is I don’t keep secrets. For my partners, it’s important for me to inform them of any risky behavior I participate in, including emotionally risky behavior. I tell my partners most significant things I do every day. It’s also difficult for me to keep a secret, as keeping track of them and the associated lies require more mental effort than I want to use on something like concealing information. When someone asks me how I’m feeling or why I’m upset, I share what is happening with me, which may include recent play or sex.

I never want to be someone’s dirty little secret. I have been there, done that, and dealt with shame and embarrassment. I don’t play with people who are cheating, for example. If you want me to keep our play a secret, I do not intend to play with you, sexually or nonsexually. I likely won’t want to be your friend either because we clearly have conflicting values. No, I won’t share every little detail with all of the people in my life, but the fact that we played and the general activities may come up, and I am not going to lie about it. When I say that I’m an open book, I mean it.

To add another level of complexity, even if I was in the business of keeping secrets, this person never told me that what we did together ought to be one, so their anger later was genuinely bewildering to me. For those that expect secrecy from others, my number one piece of advice is to tell people that something shouldn’t be shared. I imagine that your chances of success will be much higher when you communicate with those around you.

I’m not quite sure if my perspective on secrets is uncommon. Being on the autistic spectrum might factor into my exhaustion with lying, or perhaps my negative life experiences as being the “secret lover” have left me stung one too many times. Nonetheless, I implore those of you who have read this to consider your perspective on secrecy and share those perspectives with potential playmates before you begin.

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